To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
First email!
Dear Darth,
Glad you finally got yourself an email address. I’ve had one a while now, and I’ve found it really handy. You should too, especially with the trouble you have on the phone. No offence, but all that wheezing can be hard to work through, so this should really help.
So, how are things? I’m glad you’re keeping busy; I put you on the battle station project because I think you needed a focus after the whole thing with that girl. I know she was your ‘One True Love’, but you really should try to move on. It’s been a while now; perhaps it’s time to start dating again? Don’t let being half-machine put you off; lots of people live full and happy lives without most of their extremities.
Now, I hate to bring this up, but my personal cybernetic surgery took quite the beating after we worked on you. I know you were pretty upset when I told you about Padame(?), but it’s really no excuse to throw a Force-tantrum on my robo-doctor gear. That stuff's pretty expensive, so if you don't mind I'd really appreciate a cheque. Thanks.
Sincerely yours,
P
From: Palpatine, Emperor: [good2bking@tyranny.gov]
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re:First Email!
Darth, I'm sorry we couldn't get you a quieter mask, but you might remember you were rolling around in molten lava there when we found you. I realise breathing through a radiator grill sucks (ha ha), but everyone at the last quarterly meeting was a bit put off when you kept clearing your sinuses like that every time it was your turn to speak (don't deny it, I know it was on purpose). Those interstellar phone hookups are expensive, and I don’t like spending a million credits per minute to listen to a noise like a bantha sucking runny custard through its trunk. I know it’s not perfect, but I think my guys did a pretty good job bringing you back from the brink of death, so you're welcome.
Yours,
P
PS one more thing. The battle station is looking good (I love what you've done with the tractor beam control stations: a thousand foot drop and no guardrails! Brilliant!), but I'm not sure we need a gun so big we can blow up planets. I know I'm a pitiless despotic monster but...yeah, blowing up planets. Not cool. Can we just back it off a notch? Maybe make it so it'll fry a continent but leave it intact? Be nice if we could drop in a mall and a condo for the stormtroopers once the dust settles.
PPS Is that an exhaust port I saw on the blueprint? You're going to stick a lid on that thing, right? Don't want anyone falling in ha ha
PPPS Send me a copy of the plans once you’ve made the changes. I’ve attached details of my preferred couriers. Great little Bothan company, very reliable.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Battle Station Launch
Dear Darth,
Well done! Pass on my congratulations to the crew. You should put on a celebration for everyone. Don’t let things get out of hand though; the last thing we need is a battle station full of drunk stormtroopers out looking for some action ha ha.
Also, we still need a name for the thing. I value your input, but I don't think "Death Ball" is really all that terrifying. "Evil Star" is quite good, but my PR office is telling me it'll cost me a few billion votes at the next sham election. Maybe we could combine them? What about "Evil Ball?"Just one other thing while I think of it. This probably won't come up again, but should any hothead Jedis try to bring a violent end to my reign in future, feel free to step in straight away. I really appreciate you cutting off Windu's arms that day, don't get me wrong, but if you'd stepped up a little sooner I might not have ended up with a face like Yoda's scrotum (and yes, I do know what that looks like. You'd think someone who jumps around that much when he fights would wear something under those baggy hippie pants, but nooo). I was at the Imperial masquerade Ball last week (pun intended), and I got chatting with a very attractive little twi'lek ambassador. Really, you should have seen her: green skin, cleavage like Beggar's Canyon, just gorgeous. I know some people are put off by those head-tentacle things flailing about when they get their groove on, but I rather like that. Anyway, things were going great, we were really getting on, I was even thinking I might invite her back afterwards to check out the Imperial Tower ha ha. But when we unmasked at midnight, she took one look at me and suddenly there’s a diplomatic emergency she needs to attend to!
Anyway, yeah. Not blaming you for it, but a little quicker on the draw next time?
P
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
URGENT: Couriers
I almost forgot. Seems my ‘preferred courier company’ are a little more sympathetic to the rebels than I’d like. Many Bothans are about to have a very bad day if you know what I mean.
You haven’t sent those plans yet, have you…?
P
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Urgent:Couriers
Right. Best we keep this between ourselves for now. See if you can’t find them yourself.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Re: Urgent: Couriers
Well…alright, yes. You can take a Star Destroyer.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Missing plans
Any luck?
From: Palpatine, Emperor: [good2bking@tyranny.gov]
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: A couple of leads
Tattooine again? What is it with that place? Sure, follow them, do whatever it takes. If they get a look at those plans they might find a weakness we missed. Lucky I spotted that exhaust port when I did.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Alderaan
Really? What are you doing there? Never mind; while you’re there, pick me up some of those nice fruit jellies they make. My secretary loves those and for the life of me I can’t think what else to get for her birthday.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Alderaan
I cannot believe this. Check your emails, I told you to get rid of that thing! What am I going to get my secretary now? And no, I don’t care how “cool” it looked, I’m not going to be much of an emperor if you blow up my subjects a billion at a time! And don’t go telling me it was Tarkin’s idea; the guy’s, what, five foot three? You’ve Force-choked your way through half my officer corps, you couldn’t give him a little Sithly persuasion too?
Please tell me this had nothing to do with a girl.
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Leia Organa
Goddamit Darth. I don’t care if she looks a bit like your last girlfriend, oh that’s right your ONLY girlfriend. You’re old enough to be her father! Seriously, it’s just creepy. And what made you think she'd be impressed if you blew up her home planet? No wonder you're still flying solo. Now throw her in that cell block next to the garbage compactor, slap a termination order on her and find those plans!
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Millennium Falcon
Well, I guess those tractor beams just paid for themselves. Good work. And Obi Wan was there! He must be, what, a hundred and fifty by now? Can’t imagine he had much fight left in him. Now, if we can just find Yoda, that should wrap the whole Jedi thing up nicely. Unless you’ve got any kids you don’t know about ha ha.
And yes, whatever planet the rebels turn out to be on, you can use the giant laser on it. But then you get rid of that thing! Or people might start thinking you’re compensating for something…
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re:Yavin?
Hi Darth. No, never heard of it. Just blow it up.
P
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Re: Yavin
I do NOT believe this. How did they get past the turbo lasers? How did they get past the fighters? WHY DIDN’T YOU USE THE TRACTOR BEAMS ON THEM? And how did they do it? That thing was perfect, I checked it myself! Other than that exhaust port, the thing was impregnable! And you fixed that weeks ago!
To: Vader, Darth [Sithd00d@tyranny.gov]
Re: Exhaust port
Goddamit Darth. Goddamit.
Hilarious! Loved it :D
ReplyDeleteNice. :D
ReplyDeletePJL
Ha!
ReplyDelete