Sunday, October 6, 2013

Shut up about the shutdown

With the US government in some sort of blue-screen situation that nobody really understands, a lot of things they used to do both on the world stage and domestically are going un-done. Thankfully, the rest of the world is stepping up to take care of business in their absence. Several oil-producing nations have already dispatched large tankers, offering to spill crude oil across miles of pristine US coastline while local producers are unable to do so, and planeloads of firearms offenders from around the world are en route to ensure gun-related deaths are maintained at an NRA-approved level during the shutdown. At the recent gathering of the UN general assembly, several delegates made commitments to their US hosts…

INDIA has agreed to pick up the slack in Hollywood, providing a steady flow of top-shelf silver screen entertainment until America is back on its feet. With the summer blockbusters out of the way, the greater crisis was averted, but there is still a shortfall of about twenty mediocre Zooey Deschanel rom-coms, mid-1920s novel rehashes and CGI-cartoon-character movies. Bollywood has agreed to provide the extra thirty or so movies by increasing its monthly output by 2%, agreeing to throw in a hundred spares in case the first thirty don’t have enough explosions and Bruce Willis.
Viewers were immediately critical of the 'I am Robot' remake, refusing to accept a Will Smith substitute who could act.

GERMANY has stepped up to cover the United States’ considerable output of porn. There will necessarily be something of a change in the character of the output; sales are expected to drop as narrow-minded customers unused to German tastes reject porn remakes of classic Bavarian tales like Little Red Riding Hood, starring the lead actor’s real-life grandma and an actual wolf.

Nope. You don't get a picture for this one

In a surprise move, the function of bombing a randomly chosen Middle-Eastern country every few years was taken up by MONACO. The US Defence Department immediately objected to Monaco on the basis of their lack of cluster bombs, napalm, laser guided munitions or an air force. Several Middle Eastern nations voiced their support for this move, and offered to demonstrate their commitment by putting their nations’ entire GDP on 33 black.
Space restrictions made Monte Carlo's repurposed runway a challenge for fighter pilots

NIGERIA has agreed to provide video gamers with new and interesting titles of the calibre of Grand Theft Auto V and the Halo series. Their first offering, a title called “Nigerian Prince IV: the Rescue” appears to comprise a login screen which prompts users to enter their bank account number, then crashes the computer. Nigerian game companies assured their customers they are working on the problem, and would release a patch as soon as users provided their credit card details.

AUSTRALIA has entered the fray, covering the shortfall in US tourists by dispatching millions of obnoxious sightseers to popular holiday destinations around the globe. The Australian government assured Londoners they would still hear calls  of “There’s a bigger one in Texas,” “This castle thing is OLD! Why don’t they build a new one?” and “We saved your asses in the war.” Parisian officials were promised a steady stream of tanned blubbery fifty-somethings in Hawaiian shirts through the Louvre to frown and complain about how small the Mona Lisa looks, noting that most Queenslanders already do that anyway.
"Look honey, the Mona Lisa! Pass me my extra-bright flash!"

MEXICO offered to provide millions of low-paid and unpaid domestic and other workers, but US officials refused, pointing out that this program has been in effect since 1970.
"Hello, America? We're here about the job ad?"

Several nations’ offers to produce the vast array of high-tech devices manufactured by Apple, Blackberry, HP and IBM were smilingly dismissed by China.
"Make them in America? Nawww, you're cute."

Meanwhile, ITALY has offered to provide advice on how to properly run a government, pointing out that despite having more governments than Christmases since World War 2, and including porn stars and convicted felons amongst their elected officials, they were at least able to keep the parks open.
"Ooh, a cheque! Yoink!"

As UN delegates began heading home, the White House released a statement saying they were ‘disappointed’ with several leaders’ refusal to offer aid on the basis that they’d already seen the Breaking Bad finale. Nonetheless, in a statement on national TV last night, President Obama declined the flood of offers. He thanked the world’s governments, but insisted that they would have the problem licked in no time. This prompted an immediate demand from the Tea Party to institute, quote, “Whatever Obama just said no to.”