Thursday, April 18, 2013

Alan Jones Solves Boston Bomber Mystery

Today on 2UE radio, Alan Jones brought law enforcement into a new age, announcing that the Boston marathon bombings were perpetrated by 'left-wing radical students' in the university town. Director of the FBI immediately ordered forensic investigation teams at the site to return to the office for a ‘damn good talking-to.’
Listen to Alan Jones demonstrating the deductive skills that have made him the go-to guy for detective agencies around the world:
“We pay these guys all this money to find this stuff out,” bellowed FBI director Robert Mueller. “We get them cool white pyjamas, we give them heaps of those little numbered triangles to put on the ground, and we let them spray-paint all over the street. We even give them these seriously amazeballs telephoto cameras so they can photograph the after-effects of people exercising their Second Amendment rights without getting their shoes all bloody!  And Alan Jones solves the whole thing on the way to the studio in his Mercedes? That’s the last time I let them watch CSI: Miami in the lunch room, let me tell you!”

"Beats me. I'm just glad Jonesey's on the case!"

Australian police are deeply troubled by mister Jones’ announcement that similar crimes are likely as a result of the country’s willingness to attract overseas students. “It hadn’t occurred to us,” wailed Australian Federal police chief Tony Negus. “All these wide-eyed middle-class twenty-somethings coming across from Malaysia and India and Singapore and other Communist strongholds – every one of them is obviously a cold-eyed killer, just waiting for a chance to slip down the local sports park and spread a little Maoist mayhem! We’re just glad the Big Fella has opened our eyes. We’ll be watching the Bubble Tea cafes and Communication 103 lectures for ANYONE a bit foreign-looking with a Hello Kitty backpack. Thanks Jonesey!”

Authorities in several nations have contacted mister Jones, hoping to capitalise on his phenomenal deductive skills. Britain’s prime minster James Cameron is seeking Jones’ support for his theory that Margaret Thatcher was assassinated by left-wing students in 1982, who spiked her morning Earl Grey with, quote, ‘a really, REALLY slow-acting poison’. Russian authorities are hoping Jones can confirm their long-held suspicions that the 1912 Tunguska blast, widely claimed to be a ‘meteor strike’, was in fact an early attempt by pre-communist rebels to eliminate pro-government reindeer.

Mister Jones has also been approached by  several people asking whether  he is in fact just making up a bunch of inflammatory shit because he knows his listeners are too thick to actually think beyond the constraints of their narrow, bigoted world view. Mister Jones’ press secretary officially rejected this allegation, but later added that it was ‘pretty much true. Luckily most of them would believe it if Jonesey told them the prime minister was a giant lizard in a costume, so it’s not like it matters,’ before driving away in a Mercedes.