New laptop

“Is this the IT department?”

Brief pause. I cast an eye over the stacks of humming computers, the shelves of IT manuals, the label on the door that says ‘The IT Department’. I do my puzzled look, follow it with my light bulb face.

“Why yes. Yes it is!”

“Good. I need a new laptop.”

Hooboy…

“Name’s Mick. Pleased to meet you. You are…?”

“The guy who needs a new laptop.”

Nice. He gets one more chance before I decide on Easy Way or Hard Way.

“Okay, mister Newlaptop. Or can I call you The Guy Who Needs A? I’ll need a service desk request.”

“A what?”

“Service Desk request. Online thing, fill it in, tell me what you need…”

“A new laptop.”

“Yes we’ve established that. But I need to know what kind of…”

“A good one.”

Hard Way it is. I’m wondering if I’ve still got that ten kilo 486 we found under the server rack in 2002.

“No problem, Guy. The available models are displayed in Service Desk when you…”

“Can we just skip the paperwork? Give me one you’ve got in the cupboard.”

“Hm. I could do, but I they’re all old and used. I don’t want to give you a virus.” I do at this point. I’m thinking ebola.

“Can you just get me a laptop?”

“Can YOU just get me a Service Desk request? I need it to track the order through…”

“It’s ONE laptop. How hard is that to track?”

“Well, we order a lot of laptops. We need to track it via Service Desk to make sure we get yours to you as soon as…”

Exasperated grunting. Nice; I usually have to mention the expenditure request to get that. He presses on. “Just tell me the model, I’ll order it myself.”

“Happy to! Will you build it yourself too?”

“Build it? It’s a laptop, not a bungalow.”

“Sure, but…something something software, something something operating system.”

“What?”

“I said ‘We need to load software, and install the operating system. And fill up the IP fluid reservoir.”

“You’re making this up.”

“No really, you need an operating system.”

“Why are you making this difficult?”

“It’s a performance target thing.”

“What?”

“I said ‘Perhaps I could help you with the service desk request?’ Shall we do that now?”

Muted rumblings. Grudging compliance.

“See? That didn’t hurt a bit!”

“That was a good laptop you picked, right?”

“Oh sure. There are some really good laptops coming out of Nigeria these days. Most have shortcuts to your online bank built in. And on the subject of money, do you have an expenditure request for me?”

“A what?”

This guy likes that phrase. “A Capital Expenditure Request. A capex. A CER. A ‘where the money is coming from’ document.”

“It’s coming from the company.”

This is starting to sting. I trot out the patient smile I reserve for Windows Vista fanboys. “Yes, but which BIT of the company? Whose budget?”

“I don’t care who pays for it.”

“Nor do I, but that’s too long to fit in the cost code box. Here, this is a blank capex form. Can you fill it in?”

“Why don’t you do it?”

Bored now. “Because you would not like how that would end. Go chat with your manager and get me a cost code.”

“Uh…my manager?”

Hello…

”Well, yeah. It’ll need her approval.”

“Can we…sort of, not let her know?”

Ahh. “Sure! Hang on…just sign here. And here. And here, here…”

“Uh…these are cab charge vouchers.”

“Yup. It’s thirty bucks back to my place from town on a Saturday night, so fifty or so of these should pay for your new laptop.”

“But that’s…misappropriation or something. And it’ll look like it’s me.”

“Whereas me buying you a laptop without approval is, what, a legitimate travel expense?”

A moment’s silence. A look like he wants to bite out my jugular, but he’s afraid of the digital consequences. He should be: the contents of his current laptop would make  Las Vegas blush. Time to close the deal.

“So, you want a laptop bag with it?”

“Um…I might...”

“Keep the old one?”

“Yeah. For now.” Weird threatening look. “But I’ll be back.”

“Hey, that’s great! Porn you later!”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

New laptop anyone?