Wednesday, December 9, 2015

First Gina Rinehart shipment

Crowds gathered at the dock in Port Hedland today to wave off Roy Hill’s first shipment of Gina Rinehart. The heavily laden bulk carrier was nudged gingerly away from the dock by half a dozen tugs, before reaching the channel and setting sail for South Korea.

Technical issues have delayed the historic event. A slump in demand followed revelations of the enormous price Australian taxpayers bear to sustain Gina Rinehart. It took six months to find a  bulk carrier large enough to handle the shipment, and developing strategies to handle the highly corrosive material pushed back the original date several more months. Environmentalists have also caused the company some difficulties, with Greenpeace and other groups protesting against the risk of a massive Gina Rinehart spill in the sensitive waters of Western Australia’s northwest.

The first shipment of Rinehart oozes out of port

Senior staff were upbeat about the future of their business. “We’ve been working towards this goal for years!” gushed Roy Hill’s manager Bob Thatchedroof. “Global prices for Gina Rinehart have fallen sharply of late, mostly because people realised just how toxic it is, but we believed there would always be a market for quality bulk Rinehart.” Mister Thatchedroof is also optimistic about the company's long-term future: “You’ve seen how much Gina Rinehart there is! With luck we’ll be mining this deposit for decades!” When asked about smaller deposits of Rinehart, mister Thatchedroof said there were several offspring bodies, but most are too warped and bitter to ever turn a profit.

The shipment is destined for factories in South Korea, where it will be used to manufacture a range of products including bouncy castles, Jarjar Binks masks, household insulation and Rob Schneider movies.

A sample of Gina Rinehart is unloaded from a 4WD for quarantine inspection

In addition to its traditional mining activities, the company hopes to market its Gina Rinehart expertise elsewhere in Australia. “We’re already in talks with several Queensland companies,” confided Roy Hill’s head of R&D Margaret Wibbledigg. “Don’t be too surprised if 2016 sees us waving off Australia’s first bulk shipment of Clive Palmer.”

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